By Lula Black
Character List:
Zeus, King of the Gods, father of Helen (AKA Zeusy)
Hera, wife of Zeus
Odysseus, King of Ithaca (AKA Odie)
Penelope, wife of Odysseus (AKA Penny)
Telemachus, son of Odysseus and Penelope (AKA Telly)
MeneLaus, King of Sparta (AKA Men/Menny)
Helen, wife of MeneLaus
Leda, mother of Helen
Paris, Prince of Troy
Hermes, Messenger of the Gods
Argo, the dog of Odysseus
GREEK CHORUS:
♫ Helen reached out to Paris
Had nowhere else to go
Men’s family don’t believe her
Tell her it isn’t so
The face that launched a thousand ships
Appears now black and blue
Now she’s studying diligently
The tenets of #MeToo. ♫
Your Majesty Hera
My mum told me to get in touch with you. She said that you are the patroness of married women and says you’ve helped lots of abused women. I have suddenly realized that that’s what I am.
Menny’s lying – I haven’t run off with Paris. In fact, he’s been a perfect gentleman. He believed me – he took me to hide in Troy to save me from Menny. And Odie (who Menny thought was going to help him get me back) came early and whisked me off to Mum’s.
Menny has made my life an absolute misery. I can’t see my friends, I can’t express my opinion – he mansplains everything. He tells me that it’s all my fault – says I’m stupid. Then afterwards – he is so sorry – it’s a big box of chocolates, a bunch of red roses – it’ll never happen again – he says – until the next time. This last bashing was the FINAL STRAW! I’m sick of wearing sunglasses and thick makeup – I want my life back!
Helen
Helen
Don’t worry – he’s going to be one sorry bastard – particularly when Zeus hears about it. It’ll be better coming from your mum, tell her to text Zeus. Hang in there – I’ll send Hermes to bring you to the Mount Olympus. You’ll be safe here.
Hera
My darling Penny
You were right! Helen was bashed up by Menny. I couldn’t believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. He’d always appeared such a gentle bloke. She’s in a bad way but safe now.
I got to Troy before the others and took her to her mum’s. Leda was so grateful but she is not best pleased. I think she is gunna tell Zeus. Don’t want to be anywhere near him when he gets that message.
Kiss Telly for me.
Your loving hubby Odie.
My dearest husband
I told you so! I’ve always known that Menny was a sleaze – he hit on me a couple of times you know, but Argo growled (you know that aggressive grrrrr he does?) and Menny, the coward, quickly pulled his head in. Come home soon, Telly misses you. Take care – I have a really ominous feeling.
– Love Penny –
Lula Black
Tutor, The Written Word